TEA
by Angel of virtue
Summary: Arthur inadvertently finds out the question of life, the universe and everything and isn't all too pleased about it.
1. of interest and distraction

Disclaimer: hello, I would just like to inform you all that I am not the genius that is Douglas Adams and am therefore plagiarising his characters and situations…mmmm, plagiarism. As a result of being young and lacking slight intelligence due to my hair colour, I do not own any of Douglas Adams' works and I must say, am rather miffed about it. Now that the obligatory disclaimer is out of the way, on with the story.

_Somewhere in the vastness of the alarmingly, heart palpitation inducingly large universe is a question. THE question. The question to this ultimate answer of life, the universe and everything, which as everyone knows is 42. For many millennia, philosophers have argued about the significance of this number and a conclusion was arrived at. 42 is important because a big machine said so. This view is not widely agreed with as philosophers always like to have something to argue about, it gives their lives some sort of….money, but it is infact, true, sort of. There is also another reason; the question gives the true answer a specific meaning and it is out there, it exists but it is something that even the most depressive existentialist philosophers dare not even think about, but something that one insignificant little earthman is destined to find and it will change him forever, this is his story…_

Arthur Dent woke up in his little house, the little pub visible outside his little window and his little mind full of little thoughts. It had all been a dream, he was back home, the earth had not been destroyed after all. Clutching his pained head, he decided he would never drink again, then headed downstairs to get his coat on for a trip to the pub. He was surprised to find that his coat wasn't there, he was even more surprised to find that his coat hook wasn't there either, but he was more surprised still to find that neither was his house, his world, he was standing in nothing and as soon as he realised this he began to fall, into the open mouth of his pub landlord while his debt was whispered in his ear. 

"£3.42" it said in an eerily drunken slur. The numbers began to rise as Arthur continued to fall. 

"£4.42" the numbers went up by a pound each time, interest for his years of drinking without paying up front, Arthur wondered if this punishment was going slightly over the top for £3.42 of debt. The numbers sped up until one was reached which seemed to have some sort of significance.

"£42.42" the voice whispered, Arthur just had time to think of how high the rate of interest was and how he wished he'd have been warned of it before hand and he was swallowed up forever.

* * *

Arthur fell to the floor in a writhing sweat, he was screaming for someone to save him when he realised he was back on the heart of gold with his friend Ford's strangely blue eyes staring over him with something a lot less than interest. 

"Good, you're awake" he stated simply, completely ignoring the fact that Arthur had been pathetically screeching for his mother just a moment ago.

"Am I really? I hadn't noticed." Arthur said sarcastically and waited for a reaction. None came so he decided to continue. "I had a terrifying dream just then" still no response. Ford seemed to be concentrating on something intensely interesting in the air, Arthur wondered if there was some kind of elephant dancing ballet on a tricycle in a pink tutu while monkeys did acrobatics on its head that he just couldn't see. He decided to voice this question. 

"Ford, there doesn't happen to be some kind of elephant dancing ballet on a tricycle in a pink tutu while monkeys do acrobatics on it's head that I just can't see is there?" Arthur took a deep breath, realising what a long sentence that had been. Ford looked around for a moment before answering.

"No" he answered "or, not that I can see at least, the chances are that if you couldn't see them then neither would I" Arthur thought about this for a moment then decided against it as it made his head hurt.

"Well, why are you here?" 

"I'm not entirely sure" said Ford, still wistfully staring into space. "I think it had something to do with... oh what was it now? It's completely slipped my mind" he shook his head in a feeble attempt to regain the reason then gave up and continued to stare. Arthur decided to ignore his strange behaviour, well, stranger that usual anyway and got back into bed. He wasn't there long before Zaphod came rushing in, both heads looking equally worried yet exited about something.

"Ford, come quick, there's an emergency! Did you tell the monkey?"

"I would appreciate you calling me Arthur if you wouldn't mind" Arthur sat up and folded his arms in a very deliberate attempt to look cross.

"Yeah, sure earthman. Ford, come quick. Apeyboy, we're having a trouble with the loss of...of something anyway, I think it was....what was I saying again?" Zaphod's other head tried to continue the sentence while the first stared at the wall.

"What he means is that...oh....oh, I've lost it now too, what have I lost? I think it was probably something impor....oh, look at that view" he stared out of the window.

Arthur got out of bed and began to look for Trillian; maybe she would make some kind of sense. Ford and Zaphod didn't even seem to notice him leaving.

* * *

Well what did you think? There is going to be more but first I want some reviews, and I do appreciate criticism but only constructive ones, please no just nasty remarks, it'll upset me *sniffle* 


	2. of pineapples and green

OK, I can't be bothered waiting for reviews for the second chapter so here it is.

* * *

Arthur stared at the door for a moment, it was in his way and didn't seem to be aware of it, either that or it was viciously trying to worsen his day. Arthur decided it must be the latter.

"Damn you." he said in his most threatening voice, which unfortunately wasn't very. "Open!" the door stayed firmly shut and appeared intent to remain so, it seemed to radiate as much arrogance as was possible for a door, which angered Arthur further. He had never been fond of arrogance in anyone, let alone in an insentient object who's only purpose in life was to allow access to certain rooms, this one didn't even seem able to do that.

"Either you open for me, or I'll…I'll….I'll have to do something incredibly nasty, ooh, I'll get Marvin to talk to you about his theories on life." Arthur smiled with sadistic glee but this soon faded when the door continued not to open.

"Oh fine!" he grabbed the handle and slid it open himself.

"Glad to be of…oh, what was I again?" Arthur, in his annoyance at having to do this for himself, didn't notice anything odd about the door's behaviour, he simply tried his best to stubbornly ignore it and succeeded. 

Upon entering the , Arthur first noticed a large pineapple sat in the middle of the room. This didn't surprise him in particular, he was used to spotting unusual objects in places they shouldn't legitimately be by now, it was the fact that it said hello which startled him. Arthur had done many things in his time away from earth, but one of the few things he still refused to do was speak to a tropical fruit, or any kind for that matter, so he sidestepped round the pineapple in an attempt to ignore it's presence. 

"Trillian?" he asked, looking around the room in an attempt to see her looking disapproving at something. He couldn't see her. "Trillian?"

"Yes Arthur?" Trillian's voice replied from somewhere behind him.

"Oh, hello Trillian, do you know what's going on with….?" Arthur turned to see nothing at all, wondering where the voice had come from.

"With what?" he looked down, the voice was coming from the pineapple and he felt the sudden uncontrollable urge to state the blatantly obvious.

"You're a pineapple." he said stupidly

"Yes, I had noticed that, thank you Arthur." Arthur didn't realise it was possible for a pineapple make you feel stupid, but Trillian seemed to pull it off even as a large exotic fruit.

"Any particular reason you're a pineapple?"

"I would imagine so, but not one I am aware of at the moment. I do seem to have acquired some powers of telepathy so it's not all bad." Trillian said this as if she was simply stating how nice the weather was.

"Are you trying to tell me that pineapples are telepathic?" Arthur's world had already been blown to pieces by all the things he become less ignorant of, he didn't think he was ready to find out that fruit had been reading his mind all along.

"Of course not, it's just that I'm communicating with you right now without a mouth or voice box, it must be something in your mind." Arthur hadn't thought of this before but yes, that must be right. "Anyway, you wanted to ask me something?"

"Oh, yes...I was wondering what was going on with Ford and Zaphod, they're acting very strangely." the pineapple gave a sort of 'have you been paying attention to them all this time?' look and Arthur decided to add something to his previous sentence. "Well, more than usual anyway, they seemed to be trying to tell me something but something distracted them." If Trillian had had any eyes to roll, they would have been rolled right now.

"I knew I shouldn't have sent them, it's not their fault really but I couldn't exactly come myself, it's rather hard to move when you have no legs. They were supposed to tell you that we were being attacked."

"Attacked?" Arthur couldn't help but notice the lack of large explosions of any kind.

"of a sort, I don't really know what's going on myself but it has something to do with Ford and Zaphod losing their memory and me becoming a pineapple."

"What about Marvin, where's he?"

"Who?" 

"Oh."

"I know it's some outside influence doing it, and I'm guessing one with some level of animosity, I've been trying to find out but I can't do anything manually and Eddie is being his annoyingly cheerful self as always, unfortunately he hasn't been effected."

Eddie decided to chirp in at this moment.

"I'm hippy-hoppy-happy, isn't life wonderful guys? Yeah, Trillian may have been turned into a slightly spiky fruit but as fruit goes it's a good one."

"Shut up!" Arthur and the pineapple chorused. Eddie shut up for once.

"So what do we do now?" Arthur asked. "And why haven't I been effected?"

Trillian the pineapple looked at him as if he was insane, Arthur was still amazed she could do this without a face to show the expression but she managed it somehow. 

"Are you insane?" she asked, Arthur was proud of his ability to read the emotions of fruit. "Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Arthur realised he hadn't and decided this may be the opportunity to do so, he looked into the viewing screen and was amazed at what he saw. He was green. Not just a small spot of green occasionally, fully green, vogon green.

"Oh"


	3. of gharghocks and humanity

"oh?" the pineapple inquired. "Is that all you have to say?" Arthur thought for a moment.

"Bugger could also be fitting." Arthur didn't really know what to think, he looked like a vogon, one of the ugliest creatures alive and yet it hadn't quite hit him yet, it probably would next time he took a bath.

"Well, at least you're now inedible." The pineapple did look rather tasty, Arthur kept having to remind himself it was Trillian in there. He, on the other hand, looked very unappealing. "I'm in very great danger of becoming a fruit salad at the moment."

"But I look like a Vogon, they must be the ugliest creatures in the universe!" Arthur said this as much for his own reaction as Trillian's. 

"Second"

"What?"

"They're the second ugliest creatures in the universe, not the first and you're still more likely to get a date than any politician."

"Who's the ugliest then?" Arthur was sure Vogon's must be the least attractive creature in existance. 

"I don't have time for this right now Arthur, in case you hadn't noticed I am now one of the vital ingredients on a tropical pizza, if you really want to boost your self esteem at this time look it up, I'm rather preoccupied trying to join the ranks of humans once again." Arthur couldn't help but laugh, he was being lectured by a pineapple, his life had suddenly become incredibly surreal without his consent. 

"I'm sorry, I'll look it up." the pineapple didn't appear to be listening anyway. Arthur pulled his copy of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy out of his dressing gown pocket and typed in what he was looking for, immediately words sprang up on the screen and a friendly yet well spoken voice began to read.

__

Vogons. 

Repulsively green, unnecessarily stupid and above all ugly. It is fair to say that these creatures are the second least attractive creatures in existance. It is however, entirely unfair to call them the ugliest as this is wildly inaccurate. 

The ugliest creatures in existance are in fact the gharghocks from the planet ghar in sector ZZ plural 5 beta. The gharghocks were brought into existance during a competition between the gods as to who could create the ugliest creature in existance (the same competition created the bowel trailing zheralheptes and controversially, humans from the planet earth, among others.)

The gharghocks are immortal and it is for this reason that they still exist as no gharghock has ever had a strong enough stomach to mate. They live in eternal isolation away from any reflective surfaces as a precaution. The gharghocks are small and blob-like, they are approximately two foot in height and see through. Their internal organs are clearly on show and their slimy skin folds in unsettling patterns. The law clearly states that we are not permitted to delve any deeper into their appearance as the last time it was mentioned there was an epidemic of fits of projectile vomiting but if you are truly curious, the planet is open to anyone with a strong stomach medical insurance.

Arthur finished listening to this and was still dissatisfied, he may not be the ugliest creature in the universe but he was still amazingly unattractive and unless a cure was found, likely to take up poetry to express his bitter anguish. He wandered over to the mirror and attempted to take himself by surprise. He succeeded and jumped at the sight of the green, vaguely Arthur shaped blob he found staring back at him. 

"Why me?" he asked his reflection, it was just beginning to dawn on him. "Why not Zaphod? He'd make it cool, I can't pull it off, green doesn't go with my eyes!" the vogon staring at him cruelly mimicked his facial movements but didn't answer. 

"At least you have eyes" the pineapple muttered, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Arthur was going to respond when he realised she shouldn't have eyebrows, pineapples didn't from what he remembered and he was sure she hadn't before.

"Trillian, should you have eyebrows?"

"Me? Yes. A pineapple? No." a pair of eyes suddenly began to appear just below the eyebrows.

"I think you're becoming you again!" Arthur said, slightly annoyed that it appeared he was going to be the only disfigured one.

"I am?" the red lips on the pineapple said straight after appearing out of nowhere. "But I haven't found out the problem yet." the nose appeared, right before a body began to grow from the bottom of the pineapple, Arthur turned away with politeness as the body was naked. After a few minutes had passed, Trillian's voice spoke up from behind him, sounding embarrassed. 

"Um…Arthur?"

"Yes?"

"You couldn't get me some clothes could you?" 

__


End file.
